Why do some people stay bound to those who hurt them the most? Abuse doesn’t always begin with aggression—it often starts with charm, affection, and subtle manipulation that slowly escalates into a toxic dynamic of control and submission. Kind of Kindness (2024), directed by the Yorgos Lanthimos, pulls us deep into this unsettling question.
At the heart of the three stories is a psychological phenomenon that defies logic—why victims of abuse often stay emotionally tethered to their abusers. The film touches on the manipulative, push-pull dynamic of control and emotional vulnerability, showing how power imbalances and psychological manipulation create a toxic bond that becomes harder to break the deeper it goes. To understand how trauma bonding works, we’ll look at the psychology of abusive relationships and how the brain responds to prolonged emotional manipulation.
Trauma Bonds: The Emotional Trap of Abuse
In abusive relationships, the abuser often doesn’t start out being aggressive and cruel. In fact, it’s usually quite the opposite. They may be loving and charming at first, which makes it hard for the other side to recognize the danger. Over time, the abuse begins, but it’s mixed with moments of affection or apologies. This back-and-forth creates a powerful emotional attachment known as a trauma bond.
Trauma bonding happens because the victim becomes hooked on the hope that the abuser will change and go back to the "kind" person they were in the beginning. The abuser’s behavior is unpredictable, with kindness one day and cruelty the next, which makes the victim cling to the good moments even more. This is known as intermittent reinforcement, where the victim focuses on the brief moments of affection and tries to ignore the pain.
This unpredictability keeps the victim emotionally tied to the abuser. They might think, "If I just try harder, things will go back to the way they were." Over time, the victim can feel like they can’t leave as if the abuser is the only one who can offer comfort—even though the abuser is also the source of their pain. This is where the emotional attachment becomes a trap.
The Brain in an Abusive Relationship: How Trauma Bonds Form
Yes, trauma bonding isn’t just in the mind—it’s also influenced by the brain’s natural responses to stress and attachment. Let’s take a look at what’s happening in the brain during an abusive relationship:
Oxytocin is sometimes called the “love hormone” because it helps people bond in close relationships, like between parents and children or romantic partners. In healthy relationships, oxytocin makes us feel connected, secure, and loved. But in abusive relationships, it can work against the victim. When the abuser shows affection or offers an apology, the victim’s brain releases oxytocin, reinforcing the emotional bond. This makes the victim feel connected to their abuser, even though they’re being hurt.
The brain’s dopamine system is all about motivation and reward. It’s the same system that makes us feel good when we achieve something or experience pleasure. In abusive relationships, the abuser gives just enough kindness or attention to trigger dopamine in the victim’s brain. This creates a kind of emotional "reward" that keeps the victim craving more. Even though the relationship is harmful, the victim becomes focused on these fleeting moments of affection, which makes it incredibly hard to leave.
Cortisol is the body’s main stress hormone, released when we’re in danger or under threat. In an abusive relationship, the victim’s cortisol levels remain high due to the constant emotional stress. This prolonged stress can wear the victim down, making them feel mentally and physically exhausted. High cortisol levels also make it harder to think clearly or make decisions, which is why victims of abuse often feel paralyzed and unable to leave, even when they recognize the harm being done.
Attachment Theory: Why Some People Are More Vulnerable to Trauma Bonds
Attachment theory can help explain why some individuals are more susceptible to be attached to their abuser. Our earliest experiences with caregivers shape the way we form relationships as adults. People with secure attachment styles usually have healthier relationships because they learn to trust and feel safe in their early relationships.
However, people with insecure attachment styles—those who experienced inconsistency or neglect in childhood—are more likely to develop unhealthy, dependent relationships later in life. In an abusive relationship, victims with insecure attachment styles might be more prone to seeking validation from their abuser, believing that if they behave in a certain way, they can "earn" the love they need.
In these cases, the abuser takes on the role of both caregiver and tormentor, which creates a confusing emotional connection for the victim. They may feel that they need their abuser for emotional survival, even though the relationship is destroying their sense of self-worth.
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Conclusion: The Psychological Grip of Abuse in Kind of Kindness
Kind of Kindness is a haunting exploration of why victims of abuse often remain attached to their abusers. Yorgos Lanthimos shines a light on the hidden emotional and psychological struggles that make leaving an abusive relationship so difficult. The film exposes the deep psychological and neurological ties that bind victims to their abusers, showing that trauma bonds are far more than just emotional confusion—they’re built into the very chemistry of our brains.
Trauma bonds are not a sign of weakness. They are a complex response to fear, love, and the brain’s need for connection. Understanding these dynamics helps us better support victims of abuse, guiding them not only to safety but to a place where they can rebuild their sense of self and form healthier attachments.
"The Betrayal Bond" by Patrick Carnes – An in-depth look at how trauma bonds form and why they are so hard to break.
"Attached" by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller – A clear guide to attachment theory and how it impacts relationships, particularly in unhealthy dynamics.
"Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft – A powerful exploration of the mindset and tactics of abusive individuals, offering insight into the psychology behind control and manipulation in abusive relationships.
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